It's been less than 48 hours since an officer of the Philly police department got “illidelphia electronic” on a trespassing fan at Citizen's Bank Park. Every sports radio station, television station, and chat room has levied their opinion on the shocking development. And most of them, as should be expected, agreed: “Good Job Officer”.

There may be some yahoo's out there, like this idiot who writes for Yahoo, who think that it's possible for a police officer to know the motives of any suspect by looking into their eyes. When in fact the reality is: there was a person who was not supposed to be on the field, running toward famous public figures, in a crowded stadium, 24 hours after someone parked an explosive ridden car by a skyscraper 100 miles away. We're pretty sure that a trained police officer will do two things: protect himself, protect the people who's safety he's charged with. Besides, as Shane Victorino so eloquently put it, "If he was on the street running from a cop, doesn't the cop have the right to Tase you because you're fleeing from the cops?"

So why is there even a question about excessive force? In fact, why were police not using tasers when a second moron jumped onto the field the following night? Did the public outcry from the televised tasing handicap the Philadelphia police department? Or merely the PR director? We at SportyMcBloggin have no proof, but we think we can make up a good reason why the police officers were not equipped with tasers the following night:

The first tasing was staged.

Yes, you heard it here first. SportyMcBloggin, breaking the big stories. Remember a few years back when our country was in a religious and military stand off with a desert nation that hated our ideals... well we still are. But a few years ago, our then president set the collective hearts and minds of our nation at ease by distracted us from the carnage abroad with ominous threats of gays marrying, legal abortions, and job stealing immigrants. Suddenly the world seemed smaller, we could focus on the problems in our backyard instead of worrying about the war abroad. It worked so well that our radical radio stations, religious leaders, and politicians are still arguing about gay rights, abortions, and immigrants.

Meanwhile our new president has encountered more problems. Financial crises, domestic terrorism influenced by foreign nut jobs, and large amounts of oil in the Gulf of Mexico. How could anyone possibly get all of those problems off of the front page of every paper in America?

We present you with a Sporty One-Act entitled:

Tasing Freedom (or possibly) The Bay of Tase

(Phillies fan Steve Consalvi sits in the stands at Citizens Bank Park, he is 17 years old. In the fall he will be headed to Penn State University. He's watching his favorite baseball team play in what could be an early preview of the NLCS. His phone rings.)

Consalvi- Hello?

Unknown Voice- Son.

Consalvi- Dad?

Unknown Voice- No son. This is not your father. This is Barrack Obama. President of the United States. America's father.

Consalvi- You're joking?

Obama- I don't have time for levity, do you know how freaking busy I am? I'm the president of the United States. All 50 of them for now. Until we sell Arizona back to Mexico. Anyway, I need an important favor from you. America needs your help.

Consalvi- But sir, I'm only 17 years old.

Obama- That's exactly why I picked you son. You're young and idealistic. You're headed to an east coast university. You have no idea how future loan debt and taxes will cripple your lifetime earnings. And most importantly you're at the Phillies game.

Consalvi- How do you know that ?

Obama- Son, my predecessor created an intelligence network that rivals the greatest fears of George Orwell. Do you know who George Orwell is son?

Consalvi- Yes sir. He wrote 1984.

Obama- Yeah, well he was a punk compared to George W Bush. Thanks to W, I know your ACT score, your shoe size, how many Facebook friends you have, and whether or not they really like you. You know that girl Becky from History class?

Consalvi- Yes?

Obama- I know she's down if you'd ever get the stones to go for it.

Consalvi- Down for what?

Obama- “Milledgeville Georgia Down” son. Do you want me to spell it out for you? Look I don't have time for your questions, there is oil spilling in the Gulf of Mexico. You planning on going on Spring Break when you're in college?

Consalvi- I don't know.

Obama- Well you won't have the option if that oil keeps spilling into the Gulf. BAM! Panama City? Closed, no college skankfest. BAM! Padre? Closed, no college skankfest. Havasu? Forget it, selling it to fucking Mexico.

Consalvi- Well how can I help?

Obama- There you go son. Ask not what your country can do to bail you out, but what you can do to bail out your country. And we need a lot of bailing, buy a couple buckets when you get the chance. Steven, I need you to run out onto that field.

Consalvi- But why? Won't I get hurt.

Obama- Get hurt? Son, what does it matter? I'm Barrack Obama I invented healthcare. It's fucking free, go get you some.

Consalvi- But how will that help America?

Obama- Look, I don't want to get into too many details here, but it's going to be a distraction. I need you to buy me some time to figure out how I'm going to sell this oil in the Gulf business to the Republicans as an effective deterrent for Cuban immigrants, whilst still being able to convince the left that this environmental damage is the work of irresponsible corporate white-devils. And that's right, I said “whilst”, I went to fucking Harvard.

Consalvi- Do you think you could get me into Harvard?

Obama- I can do a lot of things. But I can't help a kid who won't help himself. And by “helping himself”, I mean “help me”.

Consalvi- All right, Mr. President, I'll do it. Can I call my Dad first? He's got a DVR.

Obama- No problem son. Just do us all a favor, go to the bathroom before you go run out there.

Consalvi- Why?

Obama- No reason.

(Consalvi hangs up the phone and then calls his father. We hear a conversation. The curtain falls. And a projector shows a movie over the curtain)